02.07.99: tax time
I just finished doing my taxes. Woopie! :) See, when I
lived in the state of
Michigan, if I didn't get my city/state/federal forms
sent to me, I could either go to
the library or the post office to pick them up. Since
neither Justin nor myself
received our forms this year, we went to the library and
the post office to pick them
up. NEITHER places had forms. They both said that I had
to go to the IRS building,
in downtown Oakland, to pick up said forms. Which of
course is only open for four
hours a day, every other Tuesday and Thursday and the
hours are like from 10-3, which
won't work because I'm in class! So, fuck that.
I downloaded and used TurboTax, and having my taxes electronically filed. It's kind of rad. Sitting here in my jammies doing this all on line. Since I only had one W-2 and the report for my student interest loan, i was done in 10 minutes. I had of course figured it out on paper before hand. No use getting worked up over freaking tax time unless I was getting money back from the MAN!
downsizing
Women's clothing. I know I know, we beat this into the
ground before. But it just
irks the living PISS out of me about how designers decide
on sizing. Last night,
Justin and I had gone to the mall and just went window
looking. Found a shirt that
would have been totally rad to wear to a party I was
*supposed* to go tonight.
Figured that since Cathleen and I were planning on making
a shirt out of some material
I have, I decided *not* to get it (or the matching
skirt). Wake up this morning, and
do errands. Cathleen doesn't have enough time to make
the shirt -- that's fine, I can
go purchase it at the mall. Drive to the mall and buy
said shirt along with a
matching skirt and pants. Come home and try them on.
NOTHING FIT! I had grabbed the
right size, but it was still _too_ small. Cathleen loved
the shirt. She tried it on
and it fit her! She's a size M and I'm an XL. Does this
shit make any fucking sense
to you whatsoever?
A few months (or 6) ago, Justin and I had gone to another
mall and bought a skirt at a
shop. The skirt was labeled 3XL. It was a store that
was dedicated to funky fashions
for us voluptuous women. Get home, the skirt is a size
too _small_. 3XL. I started
having issues. Cathleen tried on the skirt, and it fit
her JUST FINE!
It just doesn't make sense!
migration
back in December, for Christmas, danny had gotten my
belly button pierced. this
wasn't the first time it was done -- i had it pierced in
january of 1996 in
pennsylvania. however, over time, since the piercing was
so shallow, it had
eventually became painful as it started to migrate out.
when i had gone to get it done the second time around,
ryne (piercer extraodinair) had
pierced above the old scar tissue and made it more deep.
now he didn't express any
concern for it. other than using a barbell other than a
hoop would be better for me
as well as making sure that i was taking care of it.
it's starting to migrate again.
it frustrates me because i really love having it pierced
-- however it's getting
extremely painful. when i kept checking it, i realized
that it had migrated to the
point that it was now below the scar tissue -- not
above it when ryne had
pierced it. i tried having Justin take it out -- but his
fingers were to big to grasp
the balls at the end of the barbells. cathleen finally
took it out for me. it was
humorous. i was standing above the heater in our living
room as she pushed and prodded
the barbell to loosen it. my robe gaped open and i stood
there wincing.
however, i am too fucking stubborn. i still have all my
jewelry from when i had
various other body parts pierced, so i was able to slide
a 16g hoop through the hole a
few hours later. I can't get the suspension ball on, but
I'm keeping it pierced
goddamnit! if it looks like it's going to eventually
come out of my flesh -- then I
will remove it. I really want to keep it pierced
goddamnit. I think though what I
will end up doing is piercing the bottom of the belly
button or going horizontal
through it. I think I like that idea much better. I never
had problems with anything
else being pierced -- I don't know WHY it keeps migrating
out.
the irony of this is that recently the AMA released
along with the ADA a study on tongue piercing,
saying it could lead to AIDS and
other blood born diseases. WTF?
Now I realize that tongue piercing isn't for everyone --
however the chief concern for
people who plan on doing it is the "problems" with dental
care and what not to their
teeth. Horror stories have filtered back (thanks to the
interweb) about how people
have chipped, loosen, swallowed teeth due to a piercing
that was done incorrectly. My
own piercing was done safely at the most respected place
in the bay area. However, I
have a small mouth (gee --) and even though I kept sizing
down the gauge and the
length of the barbell, it was still too big for my
mouth. I suddenly got
worried about the repercussions of what was going to
happen -- my mother paid 10k for
my dental work (braces, and what not) and I love my
teeth. So 7 months later, out I
took the barbell out for good.
I want to get it repierced again -- but chances are I probably will not. I know that if I move back to Michigan, Danny has the hookup at a few good bod-mod places -- they were the ones who did my nipples originally.
neoplanet
I first started using neoplanet
as a browser last summer when it was first released. For
some reason, I took it off
my system. However, taking a look at their website and
seeing how they had improved
it, I decided to download and run it again. It is only
2MB in size. I'm not kidding.
It however uses IE's engine as the background process --
which blows big fat hairy
balls. But, i love the look and feel of how it works. So,
my pages shouldn't look any
different to you -- and I still have netscape on my
system. If, however, you encounter
an problem, please let me
know!
Love,
me
x0x0x0x0x0x
presents
I've been thinking for awhile about giving back to those
who have helped supported me
since I've been doing the lisa chronicles. So i decided
that the coolest thing to
give would be t-shirts to all the subscribers of the
list. T-shirts are cool -- we
all love them. So what better way to honor those who
helped me then to give them
something back?
Here is the deal:
1. There is currently 15 people subscribed to the list.
Once I have hit 25 (I might
change this to 50) subscribers by February 28th, 1999, I
will be sending out an
announcement to the list on gathering info (mailing
address and t-shirt size).
2. If I don't hit my mark by that said date, I'll be
sending out an email anyway to
those subscribed to the list and requesting specific
information. Any t-shirts left
(I make 50 shirts, there are 10 left as only 40 people
are subscribed), will be
SOLD for the cost of the shirt plus shipping and
handling.
3. Recap: If you want a shirt, and you are on the list,
you get one FREE. If
you are not on the list, and want a shirt, you will have
to PAY for it.
The shirts will be cool. I've already done the design.
It's just a matter of me buying
the supplies and making them.
Some things to consider:
1. Going over the hit mark (25 or 50): At this point, I
will do it on a first come
first served basis. If I get more requests then what
I've stipulated, I will work out
a trade agreement or barter or something. I'm po', so I
can't afford obviously to
give shirts to everyone.
2. Concern over privacy: this is understandable. I run
four mailing lists and I have
never had the inclination to sell my subscribers to
anyone. I hate spam just like
anyone else. If you don't want me to know that you are
reading this (as I'm familiar
at who is coming to the site by dns/ip number -- not
necessarily the person) then I
guess you lose out :)
If I'm leaving anything out, please let me know. I'll add
more as I think about this.
This is obviously a blatant request to get more
subscribers to the list as well as
readership. But no one said i had morals or ethics! ;)
Now, don't be sending me information on how you want a shirt and blah blah blah now. Wait till February 28th or subscribe to the damn list! ;)
02.08.99: wired, se7en and me
http://www.wired.com/culture/lifestyle/news/1999/02/17789
There is obviously more to the story then what is being
said.
My few comments in the article doesn't show the nearly 2
hours of interviewing and
email between me and Steve Silberman. there is a
completely different story that
isn't being printed, and hopefully, at this point, it
will get out. my reaction to
the article is that i think Steve did a fab job --
however se7en isn't the mature nor
the "grown up" he claims to be. while i realize
journalistic integrity, but se7en
comes out smelling like a rose much more then he needs
to.
the main question i have received as to "why" i "dissed"
se7en:
when you live with someone who not only lied to you, to
your mutual friends, dismissed
his own friendships along having a tendency to be
completely sadistic: you wish them
nothing but bad karma. se7en knew he lied not only about
the kiddie-porn, but about
everything. he would tell me things about his past, his
friendships, peers that would
be absolute and blatant lies. He would make me 'promise'
not to say anything -- and
yet my own discreet searching found out that nothing he
said matched -- and when
confronted would claim that it had been covered up or
distorted to conceal the truth.
this was longtime in coming. se7en and i have been broken up for nearly two years -- so it's not the disgruntled girlfriend bit.
if anything, the one lesson i want everyone to learn is that do not always believe what you read. no matter who publishes it. do your own research and find out the truth yourself -- because it is out there. (queuing up X-files music).
this site has gone from receiving 25-50 unique hits a day to a unique hit every 30 seconds since the story broke at 3am PST. If you are having problems pulling up anything on the site, smack me on the ass and let me know.
love,
me
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PS: update: 1:41 PM
Getting lots of email from "supporters" and comments from
others. Received an email
from Adam at Forbes who
has requested that I post an open letter that he wants the
world to see. There it is.
:)
Steve posted an update to the original story. Nothing new -- basically he calls Christian a "fraud". :) Score!
blatant self promotion
I've been thinking for awhile about giving back to those
who have helped supported me
since I've been doing the lisa chronicles. So i decided
that the coolest thing to
give would be t-shirts to all the subscribers of the
list. T-shirts are cool -- we
all love them. So what better way to honor those who
helped me then to give them
something back?
Here is the deal:
1. There is currently 28 people subscribed to the list.
Once I have hit 50
subscribers by February 28th, 1999, I will be sending out
an announcement to the list
on gathering info (mailing address and t-shirt size).
2. If I don't hit my mark by that said date, I'll be
sending out an email anyway to
those subscribed to the list and requesting specific
information. Any t-shirts left
(I make 50 shirts, there are 10 left as only 40 people
are subscribed), will be
SOLD for the cost of the shirt plus shipping and
handling.
3. Recap: If you want a shirt, and you are on the list,
you get one FREE. If
you are not on the list, and want a shirt, you will have
to PAY for it.
The shirts will be cool. I've already done the design.
It's just a matter of me buying
the supplies and making them.
Some things to consider:
1. Going over the hit mark: At this point, I will do it
on a first come first served
basis. If I get more requests then what I've stipulated,
I will work out a trade
agreement or barter or something. I'm po', so I can't
afford obviously to give shirts
to everyone.
2. Concern over privacy: this is understandable. I run
four mailing lists and I have
never had the inclination to sell my subscribers to
anyone. I hate spam just like
anyone else. If you don't want me to know that you are
reading this (as I'm familiar
at who is coming to the site by dns/ip number -- not
necessarily the person) then I
guess you lose out :)
If I'm leaving anything out, please let me know. I'll add
more as I think about this.
This is obviously a blatant request to get more
subscribers to the list as well as
readership. But no one said i had morals or ethics! ;)
Now, don't be sending me information on how you want a shirt and blah blah blah now. Wait till February 28th or subscribe to the damn list! ;)
PS: update: 7:49 PM PST
20+ new subscribers to the chronicles.
700+ unique hits.
Shitload of email.
I've been totally and utterly fascinated by watching people come and go. I don't know what I was expecting -- but again I'm not letting this eat up my life. I've been responding to email for the most part of the day -- and now it's nearing 8pm and I still haven't finished my physics that is due on Wednesday (in which I will probably have a test -- fail -- and I can blame it on my own damn self for not having the will to stop mucking with the site and doing email). But anyway, a lot of positive feedback -- a lot of new subscribers -- a lot of contact from old friends I haven't spoken to in years.
I don't know what the fuck is going to happen next --
several people are referring me
to being famous. hardly. i am what i am. i have a story
(or 10 or 15) to tell -- i
happened to believe in the truth and i happen to think
that this time is the most
right of any.
the one thing i
've been promising myself, long before jericho or
shipley
joined in the fray was sitting
down and writing the story myself -- publish it on my
site and sit back and let the
cookies crumbs fall as they may. i'm bewildered by the
sudden popularity and also the
kind words (again -- the article doesn't show but a few
comments on 2+ hours of
interviewing I did) from strangers calling me a "hero".
beats me -- i like to think
i'm extraordinary -- but -- doesn't everyone else?
i'm surprised I didn't hear from a few people -- namely Christian and CPM. But that doesn't surprise me. Christian named me as being the only "witness" to his attacks and I derailed that. CPM offers unflattering information about me in her book - based on the fact that "se7en hurt you" deal. Jericho says that there is nothing I can do to stop it -- obviously the book is already in fucking print!
blatant self promotion
several (like october) months ago -- a friend of mine
found it hard to keep up with
TLC via web -- so he inquired about an email version. I
set one up -- and invited
those who were interested to sign up. Mainly people I
knew or knew of signed up -- no
big deal.
A few weeks ago -- i thought "wouldn't it be great that
if i could give something back
to those who gave to me?" and came up with the t-shirt
idea. So I proposed a
project: 50 subscribers by february 28th would get a t-
shirt. however, the problem is
that many people, since the article came out, s*bbed to
the list _basically_ for the
shirt. that kind of pisses me off.
So if you are interested in signing up -- be forewarned that if you are after 50 -- then no free shirt.
fizics is calling me.
i have to get off the damn interweb.
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02.14.99: strange currencies
bitchasshoe.org is up.
friday (2.12.99), i was standing outside of slip.net smoking my cigarette when this woman came up to me. she started talking about how for valentines day, her office holds a baking contest, where the first prize is $50 bucks. and after the contest, she says, they go into the lunch room and eat all the goodies. after she finished that sentence, she walked back into the building, leaving me standing there still staring at the space where she was standing. i turned around and stared at the building across the street, wondering if it was worth $400,000 dollars for a loft to live there.
every sunday morning, justin and i make pancakes and
bacon. but just not regular pork
bacon -- oohhh no. we make Jenni-O turkey bacon (95% fat
free!). we love this crap
so much, we usually make 1 1/2 packages to 2 packages and
then munch on it the rest of
the day.
we were out of a few items, so i said i was going to the
store. i skipped going to
lucky's, because i always get hit on, so instead i went
to safeway. i was looking for
potatoe soup to use in dinner tonight, when this little
short woman (about 4'6") asked
me (6') to grab a box of pie crusts for her. she thanked
me and went on her way.
james says "hi!"
my friend james (who runs
DarkNebula) invited justin and i to go on a trek to
Yosemite today. however, the
roads were so bad that they have closed down access and
if you could make it up, they
recommended snow chains.
the bitch punked out on us by emailing me later this
morning to say that he wasn't
going to make it AND he wasn't going to come over and
spend V-Day with us -- the
bitch.
but he wanted me to send you his regards.
c:>format c:
i had gotten so frustrated with my software crashing on
me, windows was having issues
and my system was running so damn slow, that i bought a
six pack of hefeweizen and moved
everything off my c: drive to
my other drives and zip. when that was all completed and
i had no personal data left,
i reformatted the fucker.
there is something almost pure about having a blank
harddrive.
i copied my start-up files from a diskette onto c, and
rebooted. it started giving me
issues of "non-system diskette. please hit enter to
reboot." what the fuck? i
rebooted and went into bios, and saw that it was
attempting to boot from the cd-rom.
changed the format of boot options and tried again. same
error. i started with it
booting from the a: drive. same error. i started to
panic. i do this on a daily
basis. i've done hundreds of machines this way -- there
should be no reason why it's
giving me error messages. i checked and re-checked
everything over again. nothing is
wrong or incorrect. i grabbed my sony restore disk. last ditch effort. however, i
go with sony's restore disk,
and i'm stuck with fucking 95 (instead of 98) and all the
bullshit crap they put on.
in a very last ditch effort before giving up to the
MAN i stick in the 98 cd-
rom and pray. it boots and installs 98 effortlessly.
i have been saved.
now, i'm not some neophyte who doesn't know what they are doing -- i've been working with computers for eons (so it feels like). and i have done this type of thing a few thousand times -- so imagine my perplexity that if this wasn't working how fucked up that would be! well, for once i would like to thank god (b. gates) and the ability to boot off of cd-roms. mental note: cd-r burn more copies of winders 98 for personal use.
but the only thing i was really concerned about -- was my
taxes. i had done them via
turbotax
. after you submit the
information, they tell you to check back within 24-48
hours and then finish it. well,
i reformatted my computer, and saved my files. only when
i re-installed turbotax, it
wouldn't accept my un-lock code -- so off to calling
Inuit to get the damn code and
explain what was going on. the irony, is that while i'm
waiting for tech support, i
figure out how to get my old info back and finish with my
taxes.
the really rad thing?
IRS is going to deposit my refund on or by 2.19.99. Now that is damn QUICK! :) i'm not having issues with the MAN today!
moloch
i often write stuff and save it, never to be published in
any format. such as i used
to write for f.u.c.k., but
it's been nearly a year since i've given jericho
anything. sometimes f.u.c.k.
submissions became a entry update. and i've been writing
in my journal more. i've
got time to kill on BART -- i need something to occupy
me. i've been working on lisa 2000, but
it's not finished yet.
i just checked out the work in progress i started on a
few weeks ago -- i can't
believe i wrote so much in such a little time.
i hope to have it finished one day.
but in the interim, i'll put up what i have.
erm, maybe not. i'm sick of hearing about 404 errors.
i'm audi 5000 g.
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02.21.99: sick
i've been home since last Wednesday (2.17.99) with some
sort of bronchial/flu/cold
dealie going on. I get this every year -- and I'm sure
if I wasn't smoking, I
wouldn't get it as bad as I do. So lesson learned today
folks that lisa is quitting
smoking. have to. i can't quite get this coughing up my
lungs by an early death.
i've called into work and wrote (well, i've been meaning
to!) to my prof's telling
them what's going on. I feel horrible. Today I
attempted to take Justin shoe
shopping and nearly fainted at the store. I can't move
far and was afraid to drive
home. I called in sick tomorrow, planning on even more
bed rest and fluids. The only
positive thing this has given me is a much needed loss of
5 lbs. score. not water
weight -- but fat. woo. will make my goal of 10 lbs this
month.
so this is part the reason why people haven't heard from
me. one frantic person
thought i was personally ignoring him. Nerp. (Kruton,
I'm not speaking about you
okay?) I haven't had much energy to do much except
sleep, read and watch movies back
to back. Reading should equate studying. it doesn't.
instead i've been imbibing on
all the heinlein books that i have in my library. which
doesn't account for much --
really just five or six of his main tomes. I have found
though that even though i
greedily read his stuff a few years back, i'm not finding
it as "entertaining" as i
did then. i don't know what's changed. it's still funny
and in many ways, many of
what he says hits the nail on the head -- but from what
i've understood in the past
with old Heinlein lovers -- he comes and goes in spurts.
heh. literally. i'm not
really being dragged into anything "new" via lit as of
late. i've been reading spurts
of Plato/Aristotle/Socrates (not necessarily in that
order) for classes and of course,
course work. I tried reading a book that i bought
several years ago called "Pooh and
the Philosophers" in which the author claims "all of
modern western philosophy leads
up to Winnie the Pooh." However, when I bought the book
several years ago (as a gag
gift to myself) I thought it would be "cute" as all theories
are possible.
however, when i delved into the book last night -- i
found it to be boring and
tedious. i did not see any Socratic/platonic (heh) view
between Pooh and freaking
honey. the author -- who teaches philosophy at Cambridge
natch -- has something up
his ass -- or in his brain. or maybe he
's smoking too much damn crack.
michael wants me to come to his philosophy club on
Tuesday nights. he says i have to
back up what is say with proof and meaning -- none of
which i hold dear to my heart
(as if!).
however, i get the feeling that it's nothing more than
#philosophy in real life --
with just as many ego-iq's as the channel holds. should
be fun. so i will probably
go.
defcon
Jonathan is trying to get me to go to
defcon 7 this year. i have no idea why. he just
think it's cool for me to go. i
went to
defcon 5.
and i really don't see a reason _to_ go. see friends?
maybe. but i can see them
anytime. besides, this whole thing isn't my bag.
Jonathan is just strange. even
though he looks like chris o'donell.
look-alikes
several people have commented that i look like minnie
driver. i wish to hell that i looked like minnie! damn
is she fione or what here?
anyway, basically people think i look like her or
tiffani-amber theissen. and mainly
because while both are brunettes, they also have wide
faces such that i have. except
i chopped all my hair off a few months ago in an effort
to go shorter -- and then
thought about going shorter still -- and regret cutting
it off. i always fucking do
that!
this is so banal and pointless. i just wanted something
to show minnie's picture.
*meow*
i'm going to bed.
night.
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ps: nyquil gives you some strange ass dreams. that's all i'm saying because that is all i freaking remember.
02.26.99: keep clear
my street runs into what is commonly known as a t-section
at the main drag. the 100
or soo feet between one corner to another on all three
sides has in big white paint
"keep clear". stipulating, that for traffic to make
left/right turns onto the main
drag or a left turn onto my street, the "keep" clear sign
alert people to allow this
to happen. Now you won't see "keep clear" printed on
every t-section that you run
into -- however since the off-ramp light is located about
a block from my street,
traffic gets heavy and backed up and it's a royal pain in
the ass to make a left onto
the main drag or to make a left onto my street.
now the bitch is, is that people are dumber than box of
rocks when it comes to
driving. too many times when i have come home from work,
i have to honk like a mad
person because some moron has his tricked-out pinto in
the intersection that says
"keep clear". finally, it ends up with the person behind
him backing up enough so
that I can get through.
there are other "keep clear" intersections that people don't bother to "read". one is off of Grand Ave in Lake Merrit, by where Darryl lives. I have to make a left onto a side street to take him home, however since the street between grand ave and lakeshore ave is curved, and the street i need to get onto is a side street, it's impossible to do so if traffic is backed up from the light. there is only room for about 2 cars before the side street begins. since it's such a busy intersection, again the "keep clear" is a signal to anyone with half a brain that others need to get through and that at red lights, people should be behind the white lines. think this happens? Fuck no. Yesterday a woman stopped in the middle of the intersection, so that no one could turn left onto the side street and no one could turn left onto the main street. I honked and she finally got off her duff and moved her car up. Other people will blatantly sit there and NOT move. Once I saw a cop who turned on his flashers to get through the intersection and then turned them off as he continued driving. That, Darryl and I both thought, was completely and utterly unfair.
the one thing i have learned since i have lived out in
california, is how negligible
people are when driving. like when i rolled into this
woman's car doing less than 2
miles an hour at the toll both to get on the bay bridge.
she attempted to claim "neck
injuries" until she found out that my insurance for that
day had lapsed (it was picked
up a day or so later. a fuck up by the insurance
company). another example is when
my roommate cathleen was driving home late one night, her
blood sugar dropped and she
ran into a parked truck. she left a note and her
business card to get the matter
resolved. when the person didn't call her for several
days, she walked over to his
house (the accident occurred right around the corner from
our house), the guy didn't
even realize that he had been hit. when he took his work
truck into be appraised,
they said over 2k worth of damage. 2k worth of damage to
a small hit, on a work truck
that was covered in bondo and had other dents and
scratches? cathleen finally got the
guy to take his truck to a reputable mechanic and the
appraisal was for about 600
bucks (this is cali after all).
and it doesn't stop there.
arrogant mother fuckers who drive like mad people during
torrents of rain and think
that gravitational laws don't apply to them, people who
will drive on shoulders for
blocks to cut into traffic during high peak times, people
who make lane changes
without looking. the list goes on and on.
i had read somewhere that if you can drive in the bay
area, you can drive anywhere.
I've become such a good little defensive driver that i
about ready to make a career
change and start driving professionally.
beautiful day in the
neighborhood
san francisco (nee bay area) is infamous for being
absolutely beautiful one day, rainy
the next and than back to being beautiful again.
Wednesday (2.24.99) was so
beautiful, i got out off of BART one stop early on my way
back to work. i stopped at
the San Francisco shopping center and walked down market,
enjoying the beautiful day
mixed with the always precious site of homelessness and
yuppies who convene together
on the sidewalks. the wind was blowing just right so
that the usual smell of urine
was distant.
while walking down the street, i felt this sense of
happiness i hadn't felt in a
particular time. I'm still in a quandary about what to
do with my life -- and i feel
that i need to make a decision soon. but the rub is that
looking back at the past
history of me and seeing the all too familiar patterns
that keep cropping up. I've
been running in this rut now for about four years (long
before cali came into the
view) and almost every new year, i say the same things
"this year is going to be
different." but it never feels like it is.
patterns are everywhere. i read old journal entries from
95,96 (written journal not
on-line) and see that my bitch and moans then are the
same bitch and moans now. i
look through past on-line journals and see striking if
not similar patterns in a
comparison to month to month of then and now.
i get confused.
I'm not quite sure what i need to be doing. thoughts
keep going through my head such
as "Justin is the best there is" or "are you going to
school for yourself or to prove
something to someone" or "you are getting old lisa.
pretty soon you will be 40! (14
more years)". i run such a gamut from self-pity to being
self-righteous it's almost
sickening. i can never make up my mind exactly what i
want. my mantra has just been
"school, school, school" but i don't know what i want to
do with my life after that.
the choices are so overwhelming that i freak and just do
nothing. i think about all
the stuff i want to do, and feel guilty when people
attempt to convince me that i
shouldn't have to do it alone.
then i hear about ex's who are getting married (those
evil fuckers) and i feel like
something is inherently wrong with me.
i used to have this strong sense of "worth" to the extent that i knew how my life was going to be going -- mainly with my love life. i knew what i wanted from someone and that i was strong enough to say good bye if it didn't happen. then i hear other people who seem least likely to be in love -- be in love and it sounds almost clinical. i can't imagine my life with someone, let alone of being in love again. it seems such a 180 degree turn of who i am now -- that i fear that my worst fear has come undone.
I've become afraid.
last night i talked to my ex Chad (from
downpour on my soul) and
felt strange. the longing in his voice matched the
longing in my own voice -- our
voices to each other still did the same things physically
to us that it had in the
past. we talked a lot about our relationship and all the
fun times we had and
reminiscing about when he was living in Pittsburgh and
when i would go see him. over
3 years have passed since we have last talked on the
phone and about the same since we
last saw each other physically. he's got a new girl
right now and he seems to be
completely and honestly in love with her -- but i keep
getting the sinking feeling of
what "could" of happened if i hadn't done what i did.
i think about that now a lot -- about the mens I've dated
and of those ones, the ones
that i had the most significant relationships with. i
could have been happy with any
of them in the long term sense -- and lord knows i was
wildly in love with all of them
at the time we were together. but shit always gets in
the way and i always end up
getting my heart broken (often for trivial things).